Here’s how it goes ~
Lovely people say,
“You seem to always be down with something.”………….. Or
I say,
“I’m o.k., I’m sick.”
They say,
“Again?”
Yes, again. I am not mad at people. I am mad at myself. Mad
that I can’t answer in all honestly “I am well.”
It is well with my soul is true-my deposit of joy cannot be
robbed from me. But this isn’t meant to be a pep-talk about remaining joyful.
I suppose it’s a bit of a reality check. Checking in with
the importance of the body. And hopefully making others more aware of the needs
of those around you who are chronically ill.
Mostly this is a way for me to express without having to
open my mouth and talk, or have to sit and cry a little. Thoughts down on paper
are easier to contemplate and learn from sometimes. They don’t cause as much
anxiety when I can see them in black and white, letters forming the thoughts
traveling through my conscious thought pathways….I’m in neuropsychology
class…my brain in on my mind. Trippy.
So I’m sick. A lot. I have Lyme Disease and a weak immune
system (aided by Lyme). I don’t claim this as a permanent reality over my life,
so don’t think I’m adding fuel to the morbid fire. I am aware God is healing
me, I know one day I will be free of this bacteria. That is GOOD. I am
grateful.
AND that doesn’t mean the reality that I have these issues
isn’t very real, frustrating, painful, and life disrupting right now.
And sometimes, embarrassing.
I’m pausing and thinking. Why is it embarrassing? To feel embarrassed
is to feel foolish. I feel foolish when I am continually answering the “how are
you” with the “so-so,” “ok,” “well I’m sick right now….” It feels like by now I
should’ve snapped out of it.
But my body isn’t snapping.
Silly body, don’t you
know I have plans and purpose? Don’t you know I need you to cooperate? Come on
now! But I know you’re trying…it’s not your fault.
Bacteria, gut deficiencies, food, environment- you name it.
It’s all against our bodies. Our bodies actually are our friends. My body isn’t
my enemy. It’s rooting for me. This well-designed vessel is fighting, every
day, all night, 24/7 to keep me up and moving and well.
So why do I feel foolish that my body hasn’t pulled itself
together yet? Impatience.
Of course I’m inpatient with pain.
You’re normal Beth.
I feel foolish when I can’t accomplish. When I can’t say
“all is well and good!” Like, as a Christian, it has to be that way in order
for me to get the seal of approval. I feel guilty when I don’t have energy.
Silly. Yes, silly.
When I don’t have the answer of healing, it seems silly. It
seems like faith hasn’t arisen to the “level” it should be. It seems I’m taking
advantage of people’s prayers.
Silly. False.
Lies.
The enemy loves to lie to us when we’re “down.” He loves to
make us feel foolish. Foolishness can lead to fear. To be a fool for Christ is
quite different than to feel a fool because of fear of man, or failure of self.
To be a fool for Christ means to lean on your beloved and receive grace.
Receive care. Receive presence.
Of caring people. Of a caring God.
Believing people
really care. That is so hard for so many. I’ve been graced to believe people
care. But to test this care, to think, there’s a boundary…I don’t want to burst
the care bubble….will the care cease after this
amount of time? How about now? This has lasted too long, they’ll give up,
they’ll grow weary.
Trust. I trust God takes the foolish things of the world to
shame the wise. I trust he’s using this silly disease and he’s making me wise
and close-close to Him. There’s a God-shaped hole in my sickness, every time.
My heart can trust Him- as near, as close, as supernaturally helping. But what
trusting that God is entrusting me to others care? What of his help through his
children?
I am willing, I am
wanting. How do I ask? How many times before I’m seen as a fool? Maybe none.
Maybe they’ll keep on loving.
I’m not fond of too much attention. Different stimulants of
embarrassment, there’s attention from people and notice-which can just be
uncomfortable for me. And then there’s pride.
God-I can’t figure it
out. You have to help me. Cuz’ I want the help. I want to be assisted into
wholeness. I want care. What I don’t want is be to a burden. But even that you
are healing. For in allowing the carrying of my burdens, I am allowing people
to love me. This is good. This is grace in action.
The funny thing is…I do have it “figured out.” The answer is
Jesus. No, I’m not being trite. Jesus doesn’t lack power in order to be trite.
Jesus is real. He is real in my body. He designed it. He loves it.
Would you pour your
healing balm out on me Jesus. Pour your healing balm out on those who’s
suffering robs their joy, their mind. Jesus, protect us from hating our bodies.
Protect us from false thinking. Lead me to the path of refreshing
righteousness. Being right with you is what gives me peace. Cells do you sense
the peace of my soul? Match to it already!
I’m not sure what this writing is all about. That’s why it
belongs on a personal blog-where that kind of writing is allowed. *wink* When I
ask you to bear with me, will you actually bear my burdens with me? Can we give
them to Jesus together? Even if it’s through prayer…even if…especially if
-please pray! I can think of no better asking I can do than to ask for your
honest prayers for me. And with that
Continually pray and do care for those that are sick and/or in pain.
Let’s ask God to give us hearts of compassion and
grace-filled action. Let’s keep caring. Let’s go into homes and give meals with
heart. Let’s listen. Let’s touch. Let’s not shy away. Either way, let’s not shy
away. When we’re in pain or when we need to give relief. Let’s not be afraid to
look foolish for the sake of love…..
Hence this post.
Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of
Christ. Galatians 6:2
Now we who are strong ought to bear the weaknesses of those
without strength and not just please ourselves. Each of us is to
please his neighbor for his good, to his edification. Romans 15:1&2 (A bit
different context, but I think it applies to this as well.)
Now may the God of
hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in
hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. ~ Romans 15:13
