Is your “romantic” relationship the “number 1 priority” in
your life? Is it number 2? Maybe family comes before? Maybe you’re really
attached to your pet. Don’t laugh, there are some real money making businesses
thriving from pet priority.
This mental list of priorities in our life gives comfort. As
we imagine the lined paper with the:
1.
2.
3.
in our mind, it means things are “in order,” in their
correct place and not somewhere over in left field where we can’t understand
and so we grow overwhelmed.
As seasons change, maybe the priorities shift spaces. For
some, this is expected. “No, babe, my work won’t always be number 1, I just
have to get through this season at work where things are difficult.” For
others, the top priorities are set, unchanging through nature’s own changing
seasons. “Family will always be number 1.”
But what if we just take this whole linear idea of
priorities and relationships and we do some shape shifting? Imagine the 1, 2,
and 3 not in a line, but in a circle. The numbers have a continual connection.
These numbers intersect in the middle as lines are drawn from each number in
the circle to the center. The middle intersection represents the “heart of the
moment.” In this idea “the moment” may be a minute, a few hours, a day, but
usually not much more. The important
things, “priorities” are all still there, all important, but 1 doesn’t dominate
number 2 and 3 in every circumstance, nor does 3 always come last, etc,
because it’s not a linear list. As decisions, thoughts, actions, and emotions
are activated, all the top priorities act to influence the person’s heart and
mind. As the “things that matter” influence a person’s heart, perhaps there’s a
leaning towards one “number” over another in that moment, but the others are
always present. This is looking at those influencers of actions we take in life
in a more interconnected, complex way.
If you followed that, now, let’s put another person
into this priority circle along with the owner of the circle. As the owner of
the circle walks around, perhaps on the perimeter of the circle, perhaps doing
jumpingjacks right in the middle, the special companion is with the owner.
Special companion is observing, commenting, running with, or even redirecting
the owner towards a different number. If we think of relationships in this
manner, it doesn’t really matter what number in the priority circle your
significant other is on, because he or she is an influencer and fellow dreamer
in the whole circle of that which is important to your spirit. Isn’t this the
Biblical idea of covenant relationship anyway? Two becoming one, being a
devoted and sacrificial friend…..
When I think of a
non-romantic, but close relationship, Jonathan and David from the Bible comes
to mind. These men where devoted to each other--to each other’s welfare,
prophetic visions, goals, and to the other relationships involved in each
other’s lives. We know that God was David’s “number 1 priority,” and, at a
certain season, becoming a righteous king was definitely on the top of his
to-do life list. David didn’t try to figure out these two things and then go
and sit and have coffee with Jonathan and just talk about life. David swore
oaths with Jonathan, met with him to strategize and seek wisdom and comfort. In
fact, David didn’t even actively pursue what an outside observer might say
should be his number 1 priority—taking the throne. David focused on his
relationships and Jonathan especially helped David achieve the God dreams on
David’s heart and the top visions needed to be accomplished.
Or what about Joseph and Mary? What if Joe decided “Well,
Mary is doing her own thing, she obviously has a priority of carrying the son
of God, so I’m just going to sit over here and do my own thing, cuz’ that’s a
little intimidating for me.” Nope. Joseph responded to the dream he had from
God, to the circumstances and culture around him, and decided to trust the word
of the Lord, as well as the heart of the woman he chose to marry. His life was
changed by his choice to be united with Mary. Their life became connected to a
greater glory and purpose. Joseph’s priorities did shift, but Mary didn’t
become number 1 priority for Joe, rather, she became essential for Joe’s number
1 to become manifest in Joe’s life.
I think when we step away from being obsessed with whether
we are number 1 or 2 in someone’s life, and we receive the friendship, devotion
and involvement this person has beckoned us into, we will become more secure
and feel the honor of the commitment of the other person to bring us out of the
box of “relationship” and into the circle of their life. Of course, it takes
two to tango, so this rethinking has to go both ways. And I’m not talking about
getting rid of the beauty of putting the other first in situations or not being
committed to that one special person in your heart. This shouldn’t be an idea
that allows for men to remain mama’s boys when their S.O. (significant other)
should be their kindred spirit, Nor is it an idea that should allow women to
put Dad’s words above the voice of her beloved S.O. There are times and
situations for different shape shifting to occur. Maybe, in the heart of a day,
the priorities become a triangle and two top priorities are meeting on a line,
while the 3rd priority just chills, barely there.
This concept has more of a purpose to move away from putting
romantic relationships into a box that prohibits depth of knowledge and
vulnerability from happening. We all desire to be known and to know, so this
way allows you to think of who you allow to enter into the “top” places of your
heart and come alongside with you in a deeper, more complex, more difficult,
more joyful, and closer relationship.
Mind you, in this idea I realize you are saying
you’re S.O. is a top priority, but it’s a mind shift away from numbers and
instead, into the concept of being “with.” Instead of competition for a spot,
there’s special involvement in all areas—and a deeper involvement, closer to
the center where all the numbers come together. Isn’t this how we want our
relationship with God to be? Is God in a “God box” and put away while we are
with family, or working on work projects, or having fun with our friends? If
Jesus and his bride are what we model in relationships, then shouldn’t there be
this same freedom of connection and being “with” someone (whether this is
physically, mentally, or emotionally) instead of a fight to be at the top of
someone’s list?
I think companionship means priority of connection, and yes,
priority of placement in mind and heart. Priority of connection means that no
matter what—my significant other is “above” others in regards to my heart’s
commitment to intimate connection, but will not always be what I’m pursuing at
the moment. This is not a question of heart commitment or fidelity. If that is
being compromised, that is not o.k. It is more of a way of living, knowing that
priority of focus will shift during the day in order to see God’s kingdom come.
It keeps us from feeling we are only complete by being with another person.
Thinking in a circle allows a person to know “the heart of the matter” of what
really matters in our personal lives as we welcome this person into that space
with us.
This circle space is sacred, and not everyone should be
allowed to roam around in it. Here is where those that aren’t our special
circle companion get to explore with us, but we remain with integrity that they
are not in the heart of the matter as our significant other is. The circle idea
puts relationships and friendships into a different light than the things and
projects in our lives. Without community, the dreams we dream won’t have the
affect, vibrancy, leverage or depth. So, as we prioritize our life, we should
think about who we allow into the circle of life with us, and not only who we
allow in, but who are those that we allow further in--further into the core.
The core is not a space for everyone, and I do believe in regards to a
relationship, there is a space reserved for just that person. This is the power
of relationship! This is the reason marriage is so sacred to God. It is
different and intimate and mirrors our relationship with God in ways other
relationships just can not. We were not made to share our cores with a hundred
people, just as we weren’t made to share our cores with a hundred other gods,
aka idols.
God is very purposeful in how He prioritizes.Our
relationship with God actually may just be the very lines that come and
intersect everything else. So in the end, God is first, God is last, God is
everything, because He is in all things and in all relationships, no matter
where ppl are allowed to enter into the circle. His lines are drawn, and they
go from every number along the circle and intersect every human walking in the
circle.
I want a core dreamer alongside me in my circle. I
don’t want a cluttered circle with confusing commitment. I want a full circle
with healthy friendships and people enjoying the perimeter of my life. But in
that sacred space that is made for exclusivity, this relationship will be able
to be an inspiration to the things I choose as important life focuses around my
circle. And as life turns and these numbers float in and out and I accomplish
and change and grow, my friendships remain, my faithfulness to God remains and
my S.O./ special circle companion, remains the one in the middle of
relationships.
