I've Been Love Compeled

Mind over matter-Scratch that-God over ALL. 

I sit here, slightly discouraged. (Just finished being really discouraged, but God's hope is never far from me. And so, I find myself writing. ;o) My heart remembers 2 Corinthians 5:14, "For the love of Christ constrains us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead" (American New King James) ~ "For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died" (NASB) 
........... 
"Therefore, being always of good courage, and knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord— for we walk by faith, not by sight— we are of good courage, I say, and prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord. Therefore we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may be recompensed for his deeds in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad.

 Therefore, knowing the fear of the Lord, we persuade men, but we are made manifest to God; and I hope that we are made manifest also in your consciences. We are not again commending ourselves to you but are giving you an occasion to be proud of us, so that you will have an answer for those who take pride in appearance and not in heart. For if we are beside ourselves, it is for God; if we are of sound mind, it is for you. For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died; and He died for all, so that they who live might no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf."

More and more and more-I used to feel it a lot when driving my car Shenandoah, I ache to be out of this body and in the arms of Jesus. It would all be simpler that way wouldn't it? This is not a death wish. This is a life wish. I know life more abundantly means more of God. More of His love. 

So here's the deal....

Education wise, this semester has been a disappointment. Here's what I know: I'm not just here for an education. Also know: I'm not just here for an education by this school. Comforting? Absolutely. The friends I have made, proverbial seeds I have planted, awakenings I've been a part of, prayers I've joined, lives I've encountered to bless, challenges I've faced, Thoughts I have realized anew, Strength I have gained, People who have loved me, People who have opened my ears to hear more, insight gained, chai teas and talks I've had, blessed assurances, dances I've danced out to a sweating point in worship, clarity I've gained--all of this is not in vain. All of this is life. It's the day to day. It's me counting the days unto God-not unto myself. I've heard some friends of mine here say "What is this unto?" Meaning, "What the heck is this whole thing we're doing even about?" And "Who is this unto?" Meaning, "Am I doing this with a selfish perspective without even realizing I haven't given up control?" 

I've been "beside myself" this semester. As this has happened, when I'm feeling overwhelmed with the need to please and bless everyone and with the need to do everything right and in the will of God, I have taken it to God and said "I'm beside myself. Help. I love you. I'm beside myself." And God has responded with affirmations of I'm beside you. My yoke is easy and my burden is light. Joy. I'm pleased with you. I love you. You are chosen. All wonderful words of truth. I believe them, I delight in God's truth in my life. Without His compelling love-I wouldn't fight and try try try for the best for myself and others. God needs to make my mind sound, because it needs to be sound for you. My mind is a dancer-it moves all day in a choreographed pattern with constant new inspirations--when this mind is overly aware of the fact that it doesn't posses all the answers--the Holy Spirit has to bring in sound-ness. Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine. Oh what a fortaste of Glory divine. It starts now. Yes, meaning life and all the dreamy and banal stuff. And true life is Jesus. True way is Jesus. Comforting. Breathe. Whossssssh. (That was the sound of me exhaling a big breath-really good for you!)

I'm going to make some tea. Here's the thing: I don't know exactly what I'm doing here. I don't know exactly how I'm to keep going practically speaking. But, actually, I take back the first sentence. Because what I'm doing in Cambridge, what I have been doing in this season and will continue to do in the next, is proclaiming and living divine love. Christ's love control's me. I'm living out divine love, which means I gave up control, took up my "cross," and chose to come under the Lordship of the most loving, awesome, jaw-dropping being. (Oh, emotions are coming up again. I write when I'm emotional-it's healing)--Christ's love controls me. What did Paul say? I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.

I'm living in divine love. And when I question what the heck I'm doing and why I'm not just living in my yurt or boat, drinking teas and inviting the neighbors over for yoga, and throwing in some dancing in meadows (by the way, I don't see this as being too much of a stretch for my future)....I'm simply living this life in a mirror dimly, I can't see Christ face to face, yet. I'm proving myself faithful. I'm living in a manner worthy of the call which Christ called me too. That means, in the mundane, I worship. In the frustration, I worship. In the questions and fears, I worship. In the buds of happiness, I worship. In the sharing of my faith, I shamelessly worship. In the compassion of seeing other's pain, I worship. I draw near-for God to draw near. And for people's lives to change through me showing them that God's love compels. Divine love keeps me sane. He keeps me joyful. God rejoices over me with singing. I will never forget that. 

Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Heb 12:1-2) We are seated with him. And we shall never know his suffering. I love you Jesus.